Pre-wedding Thoughts

I'm getting married tomorrow.

What a strange journey it was to here. It's amazing how much has happened in the past 6 years, since I left Boston. Tomorrow I turn the page, and start a new chapter. Tonight, an old chapter ends, one that I'm not sad to see go.

People have been asking me all week, "Hey Jules, are you nervous yet?" and every time the answer has been no. No, I'm not.

Perhaps other people get nervous because they wonder if they're making the right choice. I don't have to wonder; I know that I am.

Scott is an amazing man. He's always there when somebody needs a shoulder, a friend, or anything else. He puts his whole heart and soul into everything he does. He's kind, and patient, and loving. He's got a small devilish streak and a gleam in his eye that keeps things fun. Of course he's not perfect. I don't want perfect though. Perfect is just a load of crap bound to come up sooner or later anyway.

Perhaps nerves from not being sure if they're ready to give up the "single" life. Mine can go, please.

Being a single mother was the most stressful task I've ever, and likely ever will, take on. It was terrifying not having someone else to turn to when I was second guessing my methods- I had no idea what to do with a kid (heh. I still barely do!). I hated having to do all the discipline, and always be the bad guy, and still try to be the good guy; to not be too hard on Kailyn when I was the only person around to deal with it and my temper was getting the best of me. For Kailyn to not have a positive male influence in her life.. it killed me. And in the back of my mind was always "what if something happens to me? What happens to Kailyn?". Scott will be legally adopting Kailyn and it's a huge relief to me. She adores him, he adores her.. this is the kind of family I wanted. Peanut will only make it better.

Before Kailyn was a mess of drugs and booze and meaningless sex. There was aimless wandering, a sense of no home, no where to go, nobody that cared, or understood, and all that other teenage angst type crap. Never need any of that again. Happy to forget it. Nasty breakups, bad relationships, and all the other "joys" of single life, nope, won't miss them, though I am thankful for them because they taught me things I needed to know.

Scott fills in the blanks in me. He balances my negatives. He doesn't let my temper get to him when it gets the best of me. When he looks at me, there's so much love in his eyes, more than I could have ever imagined was possible. I can think of nothing more that I want than to have him with me, always.

Why would I be nervous? Tomorrow, the best part of my life begins.

Here's hoping I don't trip, and that the caterers are all on time!