Oh, Hi Subconscious...

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (you know, that almost always winds up being a bad idea). I'm coming up on the 4 year mark since I left Boston. I think that was one of the best things I could have done for myself. Sometimes it feels like I gave up and ran away, but really... I think I removed myself from a bad situation because I knew that no good could come from staying. The two options might look similar but I think there's a big difference.

The weeks I spent wandering helped me figure out what I needed to change about myself, and what hidden traits I had that I needed to polish. Self-reflection rocks.

The time that I spent in New Mexico was a MAJOR part of my healing process. I figured out so many things about myself. I made some friends that I know will always be there for me. I realized that I am capable of being in love, and trusting people, and caring about someone else without forgeting Jules. I learned the value of taking things day by day, but still having some sort of very tentative, flexable plan. The only new scar I gained there was a physical one from a freak accident involving a switchblade, but no emotional ones.

Bringing Kailyn home when her dad died helped me grow in tremendous ways. It's amazing how much I matured as soon as I held her in my arms and realized that this crazy, tiny little person had instantly become my whole entire world. I hadn't been strong enough to grow in ways that I needed to grow for myself, but I was more than willing to do it for her, and I sometimes feel that while she was originally a large part of what almost killed me, in the long run, she saved my life.

Now that I'm here in Arizona, I feel like I'm ready to start a real LIFE for myself. I finally feel like I have something to look forward too. I feel like a whole person, instead of just fragments of one.

This is a great feeling.